Things I Want Science To Do For Me For Selfish Reasons

Looking back on how far we’ve progressed as a society, it’s astonishing to think of the technological advances we’ve made. Electricity, penicillin, the automobile, space travel… these are all things science have made possible for us, and by extension, has helped better our lives. Where would we be today without space travel? I sleep easier knowing that the moon’s surface is mostly submarine grey and rocky in texture, and not lush with purple grass. Considering these achievements, we’ve also grown impatient with science. Where is our cure for cancer? How is famine still a thing? It’s natural, having over time cracked the safe of science, to want to rob that vault blind of all its answers to our troubles.

I for one have a few demands of my own. Allow me to preface by saying that these demands are purely out of my own interest, and maybe a few other peoples’, and will not better humankind as a race in any way except I would be super happy if they happened.


1. The body hair has to go.  Since we as a species figured out how to clothe ourselves against the elements and subsequently realised how fabulous we looked wearing said clothes, the need for body hair below one’s shoulders now seems quaint and out-dated. Until evolution catches up with us and all that unnecessary hair is bred out of our bodies, there must be something science can do about it. Science has given us the consolation prizes of electrolysis and laser but these methods require many many visits, results are never 100%  and its expensive. Great for the odd armpit or bikini area, not quite so practical for the legs. I’m often engaged in a race with the shower’s hot water supply to finish shaving my gams before the water turns icy. There must be an easier way. Some kind of radioactive bath we can dip ourselves in, forever banishing all that nasty hair for good and leaving us with pure unadulterated skin, free from the damaging effects of shaving and waxing. A pill. An injection. Anything. I’m a very busy, important gal and can’t afford to watch the world pass me by while I’m in the bathroom.

2. Make All Delicious Food Nutritionally Rich and Non Fattening, Alternatively Make All Nutrition Rich Food Taste Like Cheeseburgers: With time, food has become much more than a source of fuel for the delicate engines that are our bodies. It’s a social instigator, it’s a psychological appeasement. It can also be really, really delicious. Or gross. That’s the amazing thing about food, it covers such a wide spectrum of flavours and fragrances and textures that to even entertain the possibility of being someone who’ll eat ANYTHING is outrageous, and the fact that we choose what we do or don’t eat is probably our biggest downfall. Or it’s my personal biggest downfall, whatever. Celery sticks are good. A loaf of garlic bread is better. What I’m getting at is I want to make the choice to eat either, but get all the flavour sensation of the garlic bread while also reaping all the nutritional benefits of the celery. I’m pretty sure we’d all be okay with engineering our food if it meant we really could have our cake and eat too much of it and STILL have the body of a Russian gymnast.

3. Weather is Too Unpredictable, This is Unacceptable: Climate change is on a lot of people’s minds at the moment, and with good reason. We can’t afford even the slightest upset in all the elemental things that keep the earth spinning around the sun lest we all drown like ants (fancy science lingo please keep up). I also hate having to go to work on beautiful days. I hate when it’s cold, or it’s foggy and I could potentially drive straight off the side of a mountain. Short of being one of the X-Men, there must be something science can do to allow me to decide on my own weather conditions while maintaining the climatological status quo. I’m willing to accept that it will rain every day I have to go to work if every day to myself was sunny and beautiful. That would work, right? Just shift a few things around babe.

I think my demands are fair, and technologically plausible. If we can somehow manage to make these three things become a reality, people will complain less and eat more vegetables. Sounds like a flawless model for world peace to me.

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